“We live to the extent that we affect others. We live in our radiations. This is my central thought. We exist as spiritual selves only in so far as we influence others. We develop, broaden, and deepen our spiritual life, by making more comprehensive, more profound, and stimulating our influence upon others….We must recognize the interlacing of life with life.”
The above passage from “Religion of Duty” written by Felix Adler (the founder of Ethical Culture) highlights what for Adler was the central responsibility of an ethical life; namely, that ethics is possible only within worth-affirming relationships. Adler also argues that we have a duty, as it were, to recognize the interdependence of all life. These are tall orders. Relationships can be a challenge – blessings as well as drudgery, and how do we recognize “the interlacing of life with life” as anything more than an idealistic slogan?
Obviously, this would entail a certain amount of “mindfulness” – awareness of our own feelings and thoughts as well as the impact that our interactions have on others. Many Eastern philosophies start with this practice as central to their spirituality. But in my own studies with these groups, I’ve discovered that a heightened state of awareness is also where most of these groups stop – as if the central activity is not to elicit the best from within others, but merely to improve their own spiritual state. I can understand their arguments that this is sufficient to elicit our better selves (and hence as enlightened beings we make others around us feel more comforted and inspired). But, perhaps as a Westerner, and as a neoAdlerian, I would want a more reciprocal process. I want to receive from others as much as I give. Mindfulness needs to be merged with action – with others and with life.
This past summer as I was driving back from Texas to North Carolina to teach at the Ethical Culture Lay-Leadership Summer School I made a stop in Pascagoula, Mississippi to relive some old memories. This sleepy sea-side town is where my grandparents lived, and where I spent most of my summers from age 5 to 12. What a treasure it was to go back, and Pascagoula, despite its depressed economy, is really a charming town with stately old homes nestled within Spanish moss draped oaks and surrounded by bayous and marshes. The air is thick with the smell of the Gulf and magnolias. My grandparents lived in a tiny house across from a Catholic school in an older section of the city near the water. I knew that the house had been torn down, but I wanted to visit the neighborhood. All of my great aunts and uncles also lived within the space of one block, and what an interesting collection of individuals they were. These old fashioned Cajuns were fabulous cooks, enjoyed fishing and crabbing well into their senior years, and most of the women chewed tobacco in the evenings while their husbands crunched “cracklings” (fried pig skin). As former tugboat operators and corkers (boat patchers), they also had a love for the sea that they nurtured within me.
My grandmothers house had old French doors, settees, and always smelled of okra gumbo. Like most of the homes throughout the south, the house was built on low piers to keep it off the moist land. The steps going into the house were fairly steep, and one evening as my grandmother rushed off to play bingo, she slipped on the steps and fell to the ground in front of me. Oh my, what a sight! After helping her up and wiping off the blood, my grandfather declared that he would send us boys off tomorrow to the hardware store to build a railing. I was eight years old, and had never done such a project. I remember going back and forth with my brother to the hardware store trying to get just the right kind of “fixings.” Each time we returned, my grandfather (too frail to make the trip himself) protested saying “that’s too fancy," or "that won’t work.” Finally, we fashioned together a series of metal pipes and anchored them to the steps with a small mound of cement. The railing was sturdy as rock.
I relate this story to you know because that was the first ethical action project I can remember that I felt like I really wanted to make happen. Sure, we had done other things, but mostly those were because our parents made us). This railing was crafted with my own hands and driven by my own desire to bring her security – and it worked. Big Mama used the railing with safety the rest of her life.
As I drove up to the vacant lot where her house used to sit, I must admit I felt a little melancholy. What a fun place it had been. Here’s where the hole where the oak tree use to be that got tore out of the ground during a hurricane and crashed through our neighbors house. Here’s the pile of oyster shells from the mounds of oysters we used to shuck. Here’s where the old scary shed used to sit. I loved my grandparents dearly. Despite being poor, we had so much fun, and they did whatever they could to give us wonderful summers.
As I wandered around the lot, I spotted a pile of old brick along the back fence, and as I approached it, I was overwhelmed. The only thing that remained of the old house, was a metal pipe railing embedded within a pile of cement. It was the only part of the house that survived after 30 years, and it was just lying there covered in dewberry vines.
Now I don’t believe in miracles – who knows, I could have found a doorknob that would have brought me just as many memories. But this symbol of my first ethical act was still there. I built that railing because I cared for her – and that love has endured. Not in an old pipe…in my heart.
Awareness is only part of the skill we need to develop. The second is simply to care enough to act. As we start our new year together, let us be the kind of community that not only feels and thinks, but acts for the worth and dignity of all. It will mean that when we walk in our doors we will need to be a little more mindful of the impact of our interactions with others. And more importantly, it means that we need to find little ways to elicit the best from others. I can’t tell you if your actions will always have the desired effect on others. If offered genuinely, I believe so. But I can tell you, it will have an impact on you.