At a recent meeting of the National Leader's Council in New Jersey I had a conversation with Don Montagna, the Leader of the Washington Ethical Society. We were speaking about Ethical communities and what actions lead to creating an atmosphere that affirms worth and dignity, especially since this central premise of ethical religion is somewhat elusive for newcomers. Don informed me that at the Washington Society (and now that I remember this, the St. Louis Society as well), newcomers are told two things when they begin venturing around the Society.
First, everyone has the right to say "no." This is crucial as often most of us have difficulties saying no. We often take on responsibilities and make promises that would be highly difficult to fulfill. The result is that some fail to keep their promises, or worse yet begin to withdraw. How often have we said "yes" to someone and by our very actions speak a much louder "no." We complain about the activity, find ways to miss appointments or avoid phone calls. If you promise to join me for dinner, and if you really didn't want to keep that promise but were just making "nice" and don't show up, I begin to question myself, and your veracity as well. "Why did she say that if she didn't mean it?" When the call finally comes in that the person "forgot" I wonder about our friendship.
The reasons why people say "yes" instead of "no" vary among individuals and circumstances. Some want to fit in, especially if new to the community. Others are goaded into saying "yes" by guilt or a desire to "make nice." Our larger culture tells us not to rock the boat or be a stick in the mud. Yet the ability to say "no" is an important trait of an ethical personality.
Saying "no" for all the right reasons demonstrates emotional maturity; we know where our boundaries are and what we believe is the right thing for us to do and we have enough self-esteem not to be swayed by baser emotions. But allowing others to say "no" has important ethical ramifications as well.
We should find ways of informing our newcomers (and established members) of their right to say "no" because it leads to a second important ethical consideration. Ethical people keep their commitments and obligations. We prove that we are trustworthy and that others can depend upon us. When we say "yes," baring some unseen circumstances that arise, we mean that we will gladly do that which we say and that others can rely on our integrity. An Ethical community needs individuals who keep their promises. If I know that I can say "no" to any project or request, when I say "yes" you can count on me to fulfill that vow. My dependability and personal integrity are increased. The community is strengthened as well.
Our community has a moral obligation of helping others to keep their promises. When we ask for a task to be completed we should spell out what needs to be done clearly, parcel the task so that it can be completed within a short period of time, and provide the materials necessary to complete the job. Hopefully this will make it easier for others to say "yes" when we ask them to help out.
Learn to say "no." It is an integral part of demonstrating emotional intelligence and moral development. Ask yourself why you're inclined to say "yes" when you mean "no" and use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and examination. With some of our friends, it might even be helpful of exploring this together. "I want to say no, but honestly, I'm afraid you'll take my no as a rejection of you. I know that sounds crazy, but how can I get beyond this?" If you learn the right to say "no;" at the Society, within our relationships, at our job, you are on the road to better self-respect. When you make an obligation, then, it should be for all the right reasons. When we sincerely make obligations and keep them, real honesty is increased within us and within the world as well. Goodness and truthfulness are augmented. The world could use a good dose of this right now.
Posted by on January 15, 2003 | TrackBack